The Ogre and the Princess

Once upon a time there was an ogre who lived all by himself in a little house, on a long road, in a remote wilderness. His faithful dog was his daily companion. His social network consisted of one horse, three mules, three cats, and a flock of chickens. They all had one thing in common: none of them could understand the state of American politics (just for different reasons).

Every day, the ogre went about his work alone and ate his meals alone. There was no one to notice, so he didn't mind being stinky and having a stinky dog.

One day he noticed that even though he had one dog, one horse, three mules, three cats, and a flock of chickens, he was lonely and unhappy. There was no joy in his life. So, he decided to go fishing for a woman who would be compatible. But what kind of woman would be compatible with an ogre? Surely, she had to be a princess. So, he enlisted the help of the internet to locate the very perfect princess.

While the ogre was living lonely and unhappy in his little house, on a long road, in a remote wilderness, there was a very smart princess living in a big house, on a short road, in suburbia.

Every day, the princess went about her hectic work surrounded by lots of hectic people. They all had one thing in common: the commute.

She was unsatisfied and unfulfilled with her busy work and this made her very sad. So sad, in fact, that she got very sick. One day while she was sick, she found a dream in her pocket. She decided the dream in her pocket was much better than her real life. So, she enlisted the help of the internet to locate the perfect farmer who would live in a little house, next to a big red barn, in a lush valley, surrounded by lots of fruits and vegetables.

The ogre had been fishing for many months with no success. He caught several women, but he threw them back as soon as he discovered they were not the perfect princess. Just when he was about to resign himself to his lonely, unhappy life, he got another bite. But this time, there was something different. Could this be his princess? He interviewed her very carefully and decided it was OK for her to visit his little house, on a long road, in a remote wilderness.

The princess was very excited. Could this be her farmer? She wouldn't know until she met him, so she packed carefully (taking her bird book) and embarked on a long journey to discover the truth.

The ogre was petrified. What would the princess think of his little house? He plumped up his lumpy bed, scrubbed the floor, wiped the dead flies off the window sills, and hung the bedroom door. Then he made a bed for himself in the kennel with his dog. Just before the princess arrived, he washed from head to toe and put on a shirt without holes.

The princess's heart was pounding when she finally reached a little house. A stinky dog greeted her and then a - very - big - ogre. Her heart pounded more. Should she run? This wasn't a little house, next to a big, red barn, in a lush valley, surrounded by lots of fruits and vegetables. This was a little house with no paint, a barn with no roof, sage brush instead of lush, and not a crop in sight. What should she do?

She fell in love. It didn't happen overnight. It happened on a tractor. It was a very big, very noisy, very scary tractor. But very patiently and very gently, the ogre taught the princess how to drive the tractor. And the princess fell in love with his kind voice, gentle touch, and patient spirit.

But the ogre wasn't sure if the princess would be happy living with an ogre. He watched very carefully. She broke her fingernails without complaining, castrated calves without wincing, and walked miles without stopping. Could she really be a princess?

Then one day, the princess put on a pair of Wrangler jeans. The ogre stared at the princess and the princess stared back. The world had changed! The ogre wasn't an ogre after all. He was a cowboy. And the princess wasn't a princess after all. She was a cowgirl.

Together, they bought a herd of cows, and now their home is the little house, on a long road, in a remote wilderness. And it's Paradise.

The end

2009